The Short Stick
by nikkilittle
Summary: The Hatter is the only virgin in Wonderland and somebody's got to do him. Caterpillar makes Alice and Arianne draw straws. Who's gonna get the short stick and the short stiff? Alternate Universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.


The Short Stick

by Nikki Little

It was Caterpillar's idea. That day when Hatter was seen chasing the White Queen in circles in the Pale Realm's central square was when Caterpillar decided that Wonderland could wait no longer. Hatter was still a virgin – the only one left in Wonderland, excluding children, of course. There were only two human females in Wonderland. One of us had to "do" the Hatter. Caterpillar decided that Alice and I would draw straws. Whoever got the short stick got the short stiff. Since Caterpillar was so highly respected in Wonderland, refusing him was not really an option. Alice opened up her weapons cabinet and handed me a dozen bottles, one-by-one, of period brandy. "Just in case you need it," she said. Perish the thought!

Alice and I went to Caterpillar's "cabinet meeting" together. All the usual suspects – Mr. White, the Mock Turtle, the White Knight, the Gnome Elder, and, of course, the Cheshire Cat – were there. Conspicuous was the absence of the Hatter. Since this meeting was essentially about him, the Hatter had not been notified. Caterpillar swore us all to secrecy. First to take the floor was the White Knight who began by reading a personal statement from the White Queen of the Pale Realm. She was exceptionally polite considering that she was a married woman who had just been chased in circles by a lust-crazed mad man. Her statement consisted of a plea to the denizens of the rest of Wonderland to please keep the Hatter out of the Pale Realm. The statement from the White King was more blunt: the Hatter was permanently banned from the Pale Realm and would be executed with the guillotine still rusting away in the now-abandoned Red Realm should he ever enter again.

Alice rubbed her chin. She said that she had never heard of the White King threatening to execute anyone in Wonderland. Neither had anyone else. After a few moments, Alice broke the silence. "That's not a King you hear talking. That's an angry husband. He means what he says. We have to keep Hatter out of the Pale Realm. I propose that we post wanted pictures of the Hatter signed by the White King throughout Wonderland. We should include mention of the death sentence. Hatter will definitely get the message. He'll just have to make his way through the decaying Red Realm to get to the rest of Wonderland from now on."

Everyone, including me, voted in favor of Alice's proposal. Caterpillar now proposed that we get down to the actual purpose of the meeting. He held up two wooden sticks, one long and one short. Everyone knew what the two wooden sticks were for and glanced with lowered eyes at Alice and me. One of us was to be offered up to the Hatter as a sacrificial lamb. I pulled a bottle of Alice's period brandy and two glass tumblers – ironically from Hatter's glassworks – from a basket I had brought with me. I poured a tumbler full for Alice and another for myself. Alice and I looked hard at each other. "May God have pity on us both," said Alice. She downed her tumbler in just one gulp. I just stared at mine.

The White Knight took the two sticks and held them underneath the table. Then he held up both sticks just above the edge of the table with an equal amount of stick showing above the edge. Alice looked at me and then closed her eyes. She made no move. I looked at the White Knight and, after waiting a few moments for Alice to do something, finally grabbed one of the sticks and held it up for all to see. It was the long stick. "Alice, you can open your eyes," I said. I shoved the bottle of period brandy in front of Alice. She didn't even bother to look at the stick in my hand. She knew what the bottle now sitting in front of her meant. Alice gave a great sigh and, with a mournful, self-pitying expression, asked "Why couldn't Hatter be gay?" Alice stared at the bottle of period brandy and poured herself another tumbler. "How long have I got before the deed has to be done. How long have I got to steel my nerves?" Caterpillar looked at the White Knight and whispered in his ear. The White Knight nodded in agreement. "Two weeks," said Caterpillar. Alice looked at the bottle of period brandy and poured herself another tumbler, downing this one also in one gulp.

Alice marked a date on the calendar two weeks away and said nothing more about her impending date with doom – I mean Hatter. Alice was also required to do a convincing acting job in making the offer to Hatter. She was required to make him believe that the offer was sincere and her idea. I didn't think that even Helen Mirren could pull that off. The next day I noticed a devilish grin on Alice's face as she was eating a Valrhona chocolate bar from the stash that the Cheshire Cat had given her so long ago. She ate the whole bar in front of me. This was unusual. It had been awhile since I had seen her eat more than half a bar in one day. Even though Alice is a size 12, she's quite fitness conscious and fairly disciplined in her eating habits. I wrote it off as nerves and said nothing.

Thirteen days later, the day before Alice's rendez-vous with misery – I mean destiny, she came back from the Gnome Village wearing a brand new dress. It was just like her others, but with one startling difference: it was blazing crimson red. With Alice's long, coppery-red hair, it was a perfect match for her. It's a wonder that I didn't notice anything else different at that time. I must have been blind.

Now everyone in Wonderland knows that Alice and I are a couple and that we sleep together at night. On the night before Alice's scheduled tryst with Hatter, we were having a love-making session of our own. As I stroked Alice's cheeks, I finally noticed what I should have seen, but didn't. Alice's filled-out cheeks felt even softer than usual. As we caressed each other's bodies the way we usually do, I noticed that Alice's breasts felt a little bigger and softer, her hips were even more generously padded, and her butt, that butt that caused gnome men to stop dead in their tracks and stare, was positively pillow-like. No wonder Alice had gotten a new dress. She couldn't fit into anything she had! I couldn't help myself and started to laugh. I laughed until I had tears rolling down my face. You see, Hatter likes his women thin and boyish. He thinks any woman over a size 6 is a fatty. I would guess that Alice was now a 14W. When you consider that she's only five feet tall... "Don't worry," said Alice. "It's only temporary. It's all for Hatter." I didn't object to Alice's new softness at all, but I kept that to myself.

"I wish I could be there to see the look on Hatter's face when he catches a glimpse of you au naturel," I told Alice. That's when Alice informed me of her desire for witnesses. She wanted the Gnome Elder and me up in the trees watching to verify if Hatter did indeed reject Alice as I was now convinced that he would. I looked at Alice in surprise. "The Gnome Elder?" It was only then that I learned that Alice had been making a gift of herself every year to the Gnome Elder on his birthday. His wife had died before Wonderland's civil war, and Alice had been doing this every year since the end of the civil war. I did not object.

The next day at noon, the Gnome Elder and I scaled that massive tree in Wonderland Woods that overlooked Alice's favorite mushroom patch. As we waited for Alice and Hatter to arrive, I had the sudden feeling that we were not alone. "Cheshire! You furry little pervert! Show yourself!" First the grin, then the tail, and then the rest. Wonderland's only cat in residence revealed himself on a lower branch. There was nothing we could do about him being there of course. Chasing the Cheshire Cat was Wonderland's greatest act of futility. Then Cheshire spoke, "I'm here at Alice's invitation. Why she wants witnesses is a mystery to me, however."

Hatter and Alice arrived in the clearing, and the show began. Hatter began dancing around Alice, stripping off his clothes one piece at a time and twirling them into the branches. Did he actually believe that Alice wanted to be there? Alice would deserve an Oscar for that act! Alice merely stood there and smirked. Hatter finally dropped his drawers revealing what looked like a short, rotting sausage link. I could not help gasping, but Alice continued to smirk. The flag was definitely up, but Alice had a cure for that. Alice reached for what appeared to be a cord on the back of her blazing red dress. The dress dropped around her ankles revealing a completely unclad, decadently lush, Alice underneath. Alice clapped her hands to heavily padded hips causing her now jello-like breasts and butt to ripple like gentle waves rolling languidly onto a tropical beach. Cheshire moaned, his eyes crossed, and he fell out of the tree. Four paws and another flag up. Hatter's flag, however, dropped as fast as his jaw. Hatter turned and ran, snatching his clothes as he went. I turned in the tree to see the Gnome Elder with a glassy stare on his face. "My birthday is next week. Yes!!!"

Word got back to Caterpillar of Hatter rejecting Alice and another meeting was called. Alice and I were again expected to attend. We went together, and when we walked in, everyone looked at Alice and started to snicker – including Caterpillar. "Pretty obvious why Hatter rejected Alice, isn't it?" said Caterpillar. Alice sat there with a sweet, demure smile on her face, oblivious to any oblique insults. You could almost see the halo. Caterpillar then remarked that since Alice had failed in her mission to initiate the Hatter, it was my duty as the only remaining human female in Wonderland to, ummm..., nevermind. Alice's face fell instantly as I'm sure mine did. It was certainly too late for Alice to give Hatter a second chance: to him, Alice was a blimp. He wouldn't touch her for anything. As for me, I was only one dress size above Hatter's limit. It's a wonder Caterpillar hadn't given me the task of initiating the Hatter in the first place as I was obviously much more to his taste. Like Alice, I was given two weeks to steel my nerves. Alice shoved a leftover bottle of period brandy from our last meeting in Caterpillar's Oracle Cave in front of me. I didn't need a glass.

I considered my options. I could leave Wonderland and move back into the homeless encampment. If it weren't for my attachment to Alice, I would have done just that. Doing what Alice had done was not an option for me, not only because it was impossible – I'm a size 8, but also because I wasn't quite prepared to do that to my muscular, athletic frame. I needed a third option.

I got old Bill McGill and the Mock Turtle and we went over to the now-capped rabbit hole. Ever since Alice's little adventure in the White House Lobby, the rabbit hole had been capped by a rock that could be slid aside by a system of pulleys. The Mock Turtle turned the heavy crank to pull the cap aside, and Bill McGill helped me wrestle the ladder into place. I went up the ladder, through the rabbit hole, and walked straight into the asylum. I had a business proposition for Little Red – Hatter's wife on the lam.

At that point, Little Red was willing to do just about anything to get out of the asylum – even have sex with her husband. I assured Little Red that she would only have to do it once and then she could get her marriage annulled and leave Wonderland immediately afterwards. I didn't really have the authority to offer such a deal to Little Red, but I was sure that Alice would provide Little Red with the means to get home whether it was approved or not. Being the lover of Wonderland's living icon has its rewards.

I arranged for Hatter to play the hero and snatch Little Red out of the asylum in the middle of the night and, of course, she was appropriately grateful. Little Red kept up her end of the bargain, and Hatter, seeing a skinny waif much to his liking, had no trouble keeping his end of the bargain up. Would this be a good place to mention that the asylum had lost Little Red's contacts and that she couldn't see past her tiny little nose without them? It was the mercy of fortune. The deed finished, the Gnome priest quickly annulled the marriage, and Alice spirited away Little Red before anyone besides Hatter, myself, and the Gnome Priest knew she was back in Wonderland. Word of the midnight raid on the asylum never did get out, and Caterpillar is none the wiser to this very day.

So, in the end, everybody was happy. Hatter got laid. Alice and I escaped getting poked with a rotting piece of sausage. The Gnome Elder got the best birthday present he had ever gotten in his life. Little Red escaped from the insane asylum and went back home to her web site where she continues to flush Cheshire's stories down the toilet. Mr. White, who is Wonderland's artist-in-residence, painted two nudes of Alice in all her Rubinesque glory and gave one to me and one to the Gnome Elder – who now has something to do on his 364 unbirthdays of the year. And me? I have Alice – well, most of her. Alice stayed Rubinesque for quite a few months after the "Hatter Incident" as it came to be known. She seemed to get a kick out of seeing at least half a dozen gnome men turn blue and pass out every time she walked by the village. The Cheshire Cat went cross-eyed every time he saw Alice and disappeared immediately into the brush whereupon strange noises instantly came forth. Eventually, however, Wonderland's enforced vegetarian diet stripped Alice of her goddess-like proportions whether she liked it or not. Her former stocky, athletic-looking physique has returned and her size 12 dresses fit once again. What if Hatter gets horny again? Alice, with that devilish ear-to-ear grin that only she can manage, opened a closet revealing a recently acquired secret weapon. "A piece of rotting meat for a piece of rotting meat." It was a life-sized anatomically correct Tim Burton's Corpse Bride sex doll.

The End

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) owns the rights.


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